To: Reviews
Subject: Re: Jen Sandstorm, did ‘Dr. Scholl’s DOUBLE AIR-PILLO’ meet your expectations?

Thanks for reaching out, Amazon, even though I’m sure this is a bot and not an actual person. Like a Diane. Or a Brenda. I’m listing women’s names because guys don’t care. Sorry, I’m going through a break-up. I was absolutely blindsided.

To your question, no, the Dr. Scholl’s Double Air Pillo did not meet the expectations of my 82-year-old mother. Every week I order five items for her and then return all of them because nothing has met my mother’s expectations since 1977. She says it’s unrelated to me being born that year but sometimes I wonder.

After ordering and returning three pairs of comfort-forward sneakers to deal with a “lightning bolt of pain” in her arch, I suggested trying an insole. We started with the Dr. Scholl’s Single Air Pillo. It didn’t go well.

I can’t feel any change. Absolutely nothing. Actually, I think I might be in more pain. Now my heels are on fire. It’s horrible!

I agree with her. Everything is horrible. Tell me, Amazon, have you ever been in an intense love-hate, grain-free relationship for seven years that ended in grand theft? One day you’re holding hands watching The Vow on your 65-inch plasma. The next day, he’s gone and so is the TV. He’s the worst. I miss the rush.

Next up, I ordered the Dr. Scholl Gel Max Air Pillo.

I don’t know who would put these god forsaken things in their shoes. I’m pretty sure the gel has started seeping out. It’s like walking on a wet egg.

How true. Every day I spent with him was like being covered in wet eggs. Like the time he visited a psychic who told him his spirit animal was a wild turkey. It made sense to him because he always cried on Thanksgiving. We were together three more years.

The last attempt to solve my mother’s now-chronic, widespread foot pain was to order Dr. Scholl’s Double Air Pillo insoles.

The thickness is ridiculous. I should’ve just shoved my mattress in the sneakers. They take up too much room and my feet keep falling asleep. Last night my right foot went numb and I fell into the toilet.

Everything has gone to crap. And I’m not going to lie to you, Amazon, I questioned our compatibility from the start. On our second date, we wrote down what we needed most in a relationship. I wrote, “honesty.” He wrote, “escape plan.” He said he was just being honest. What a piece of garbage. An extremely good-looking, muscular yet lean, sexually present piece of garbage.

To nobody’s surprise, I will be returning all the insoles along with a pink, short-sleeve shirt.

I’ve never seen such an intense shade of pink. It was so bright that I glowed in the dark. It’s not a shirt, it’s a nightlight.

She wants her money back. I guess everyone wants something back, Amazon, whether it’s good for them or not.